Behind the Lenses

He’s always hiding…

Shy yet strong, bold then timid

Still wonder why, but no longer consider it my business…

Hide beneath your mane, or behind your glasses,

I’ll still see you

 

You

took your time to text me

I am really done

Had a dream of this very moment in space, like always, and all the feels are there but you are not.

Your gaze fills me up and I feel whole once again.

All those previews of what’s to come and my patience wears so thin by the time they manifest.

I need to start trusting my soul and stop trusting you.

 

 

And another

I wanted you, but seems like you wanted her. There is nothing left for me to do but lick my wounds and hold my head up high and get the hell away from your indecisiveness. 

 

 

May Allah guide and bless you and yours always . 

Are you amazing?

I am not.

ignite-bgSometimes a little cool, MAYBE.

I am generous, selfishly.. giving to feel good inside, knowing something might be just a tiny bit improved if only a moment because of the hand reaching out.

We do not need or require all that reaches us, so naturally we have to continue to keep the giving in motion.

Generosity is hot… especially if you know what the other person values.

Burn,

With Love

Essay

Fear 2016 (Found in drafts)

IMG-20150726-WA0015

my fear,

 

is that I’ll never be good enough.

that I’ll never grow up.

and never truly be loved.

I’d like to see myself in a position where I’m not dependent on anyone so that I might get their love….so that I might get their approval not be theirs because of my lack of ability

I’d rather just be loved conditionally which sounds ridiculous, but in reality this happens all too often.

if this were not the fact – if it wasn’t true that people put conditions on love

then wouldn’t matter whether or not someone had children,

or have been married before,

none of these things would matter.

 

We will be carefree!

and be loving… and being loved..

we would be able to see without the blinders.

if in fact we were meant to love this way is there is something wrong with the way we are loving RIGHT NOW.

right now

we’re stuck on conditions that outwardly appear to make a person good enough

Who says we’re not worthy. because we don’t fit an imaginary, ever evolving mould?

if I could be with the one, would there be some peace there?

 

 

Yet, if the one I seek was with me, but, I ask: would they find peace with me?

 

So at end of the never ending game and never ending dance, between people

is yet another giant question mark….

Heaven on earth is contentment, joy in the small blessings and stashing up for later…

Love you

Why do I love you

the way to you. I love you because my heart beats your name, my mind drowns in your eyes, my soul feels yours even when we are miles apart.

I love you because I have no choice; I didn’t ask to love you. I didn’t need to love you, but I love you just the same. My arms aren’t filled unless you’re in them and my thirst is not quenched unless you are the drink.

I love you because I feel comfort in being out of my comfort zone with you by my side. I love you because every cell of my body responds to your touch, to your look, to the way you move and the way you sound. I love you because something, somewhere, directed me to you.

It was my soul and you are its mate.

Through the paths we have taken to one another, I have loved you. I’ve played in comfortable places among comfortable people until I had no choice but to leave there to come to you here. I battled the gods themselves and faced the raging storms of hell until, one day, the clouds parted and your eyes met mine.

I waited, impatiently, for you until that shock from my heart announced your arrival.

I know you are scared, my sweet Angel. I know you feel the pangs of fear and the dread of a journey of which no arrival is guaranteed. But I promise you this: when the demons come I will stand strong with you at my back and you will be protected. When the brimstone comes raining from the sky I will shield you until each storm passes. When the swine and malcontent arrive, I will fight them and when the battles are over and the storm clouds are gone I will hold your face, look into your eyes,and you will know why I love you.

Next

I waited all day, to talk to you.you asked me if I snap chat, said that I can’t because my camera sucks. you said it wasn’t a problem, but when I didn’t send you the  kind of pictures you wanted you stopped talking. now you are just reading my messages. insanity. the most meaningful messages I’ve received  tonight, from another woman.

winter summer

photo
Patterns his heart, etched in the soul. It was too much like right

The heat of the winter solstice stirred my soul, wafting scent of the deep pink rose, fall leaves barely decomposed, letting go never I hold.

Sweaters away and cotton clothes

Unmeshed from you myself I glow, above the capillaries and below a shine and gleam afforded only by pain’s front row

VIP curtain call of my own show

Acting done, a success.. 

Awards will be awarded, we weren’t the best,

Our. Love fizzled, out

Like old carbonated sarsparilla

Root

Drink

The sound of your virtual voice is so much better I can’t help listen and rejoice

I propose

A toast

As the fireplace crackles your missing presence

We did well, in light of all the insanity. so thank you… To your amazing journey, I raise my cup of chai.

 Sahtain Habibi albi

Just do it, man!

Mr. Globetrotting, moving to Germany, writing a book or six, readaholic, deep thinker who made Umra across the seas and sands, cannot locate a couple of Muslim male witnesses?

I’m sure you can do it 🙂

Put your heterosexual white male privileges to good use…

Get me my freedom back!

Being treated as if I ran over your dog named Lenin, slut shamed your favorite girl cousin then cheated on you, feels like…

Lets just say, it’s tough, I’m over it.

You feel?

I want out, and want you to do it! STAT

Will you please try and be a man about it as you were plenty man enough to make it happen.

Where is your humanity?